Why isn't my roommate talking to me

I don't want to clarify anything more - roommate

  • Good Morning,

    I've had a roommate since March. He was urgently looking for a place to stay, which was not so easy because of Corona. I was looking for a roommate.

    The first few months went great. We had a lot of fun and got on well.

    Then my job stress level increased and I became thin-skinned and sensitive and increasingly annoyed.

    He is very kind and very caring but also very chaotic and emotional.

    That was increasingly too much for me. We talked about it. He said I should set clear boundaries. If I did that, he'd be down.

    I'm often a bit gruff and snotty. Tried me to be as friendly as possible. Even so, he was offended almost every day.

    We talked about it. Try to set more boundaries and freedom. He tried everything to adhere to these but at the same time managed to upset me with other actions. It was always about the fact that I have the feeling he comes too close to me. Captured my friends. Leaves me too little freedom. I've lived alone for a long time and my freedom is very important to me.

    For example, I sat on the sofa at home and read a book, he comes in, throws himself next to me and tells me how exciting his day was.

    To cut a long story short, after a number of conversations we did not manage to create a climate in which we feel good. I was constantly stressed that someone wanted something from me and he was constantly offended by my rejection.

    I asked him to move out. A long conversation followed with no great result. He thinks he does everything I want, is super careful. Treat me like a raw egg. Approach me. Tries to adjust to me etc.pp. I would be cold and dismissive.

    It's not that he's wrong. He does and does. tries hard, wants harmony, approaches me. But that's too much for me. I don't want to have animal-related conversations in the evenings about how we can get along better with one another. I like him but living together is too tight for me.

    The situation has been tense ever since. Because of Corona, he is not finding a new apartment so quickly.

    He then withdrew and was with friends for days. That was very nice for me, but I didn't know if and when he would be back.

    Then he came home last night and made a lot of noise. I had already slept and was terrified. I was startled from deep sleep, not expecting someone to come into the house and I said something out of shock ... "Are you crazy" or something I think.

    In any case, it has escalated. He has the feeling that he can't do anything right because even if he's only there to sleep, that's too much for me. He called me selfish and unsympathetic and yelled at me. I would not take criticism and would only take care of my needs. I went to my room. He afterwards.

    I wanted him to stop. It went on forever. Then at some point I left the house and drove away.

    This morning he wanted to talk to me. But I do not want to. We talked so often. Everything is said. He thinks that is not possible. He would keep walking up to me and trying to have a conversation and I would block everything. He said I was unable to relate, anti-social and selfish. I said I don't want to talk. That I don't want him to approach me. That I have said everything and heard everything and don't know what else that will bring.

    He then talked to me for half an hour and told me I was completely dismissive, that way you don't solve any problems. He would try to understand me and I would just pull myself out.

    It's like this - I don't want to anymore. Yes, we were good friends and he's a great guy. But we're just going around in circles. He hurt me with his words and I'm not ready to take it as undone.

    Yes, he walks up to me, but I don't want that. He walks up to me all the time. I feel pressured. I want him to stop.

    He says he doesn't even know what to do anymore and I understand that but I don't know either.

    I have the feeling that I am walking backwards and he is always coming towards me. Sometimes desperate, sometimes friendly, sometimes angry, sometimes aggressive. I'm broken from running backwards and he's broken from running towards me.

    He says I owe him a debate after the time. But I do not want to. We have said everything several times.

    In fact, he's right that I'm not easy. A cool loner. Very emotional when you get to the soft core but with a thick protective shell. I'm not ready to break the protective shell for him, after all, we are not in a relationship.

    But now we have to live together here for a few more weeks.

    Does anyone have any advice?

    greeting

    Smurf

  • 100 answers
  • klein_schlumpfine wrote:

    Which direction was it going in the middle of lockdown?

    So from your story you have clearly positioned yourself. Of course, I don't know your living conditions. The first commandment would be that he does not have to enter your room (s). No way.

    What other intersections are there in the apartment? Do you only share the kitchen and bathroom?

    He shouldn't talk to you. Unless you approach him. He should be able to understand.

  • Don't guard against physical fun, if that's what you mean. So there was nothing.

    We each have a very small room to ourselves and a large living area with living room, dining room and kitchen.

    He no longer comes into my room without being asked. That has been clarified. But there is only my bed in the room and I don't want to sit in it all the time.

    He shouldn't talk to you.

    But he's talking to me. I keep saying "Please stop, I don't want to talk to you". But he says you have to solve things through reasonable communication. But we're not getting any further. I don't want to either.

  • That's a problem. In a pinch, you have to kick him out if he doesn't want to get it.

  • Have you made a contract? Did you sublet the room or just took it in?

  • klein_schlumpfine wrote:

    But he says you have to solve things through reasonable communication. But we're not getting any further. I don't want to either.

    yes, he's right. But do you two communicate sensibly?

    My opinion: I gather from your descriptions that you imagined living in a flat share to be a bit different. In the beginning you thought it was great. Then it turned out that you no longer think it's great and reject it. Your wish is to live alone again.

    There is nothing he can do about that.

    When communicating, it is important that you use a lot of I-messages and make it clear to him that it is not his fault. And you should also make it clear to him that no matter what he tries - your opinion stands and will not change.

    "I do not want" - is the wrong attitude. Bring it cleanly - you owe it to yourself.

  • it is your right not to want any more contact. However, he is just as entitled to the common rooms and if a second person lives in the apartment you can hear him too.

    You don't seem fit to live together and I wonder why you let him move in. It is not fair to look for a roommate who is then not allowed to be present. I understand he's mad.

  • That's a problem. In a pinch, you have to kick him out if he doesn't want to get it.

    I already have that. But right now it's hardly possible to just disappear. Where should he go? That's not my problem, but I'm not that inhuman. He didn't do anything wrong. It's just too much for me.

    yes, he's right. But do you two communicate sensibly?

    Often actually yes. He just somehow wants everything to be fine again. I feel so hurt by his insults that I have no interest in them. If he finds me selfish, anti-social and unemphatic as well as incapable of criticism - and he said that several times - then I don't want friendship.

    My opinion: I gather from your descriptions that you imagined living in a flat share to be a bit different. In the beginning you thought it was great. Then it turned out that you no longer think it's great and reject it. Your wish is to live alone again.

    There is nothing he can do about that.

    At the beginning I said that I had doubts whether I would be able to cope with living in a shared flat because I needed a lot of freedom and a lot of time for myself and the constant presence of another person stressed me out.

    At first I got along with it amazingly well for myself because I was fine. The work was positive and I was outside a lot in the summer.

    Due to Corona and the lockdown, I had few other contacts and it was nice that someone was there to talk.

    Now that has changed a bit. My job is very stressful right now. I often have hour-long conferences and votes every day. I often come home completely exhausted and it's already dark outside. Then I'm not in a good mood and would like a tidy, clean and quiet home to relax and not more discussions and conversations. We both do the same job and since mine tries so hard, I have little capacity to listen to his problems. Then I can't get down at all.

    When communicating, it is important that you use a lot of I-messages and make it clear to him that it is not his fault. And you should also make it clear to him that no matter what he tries - your opinion stands and will not change.

    That’s all there.

    But he wants a good, friendly relationship and for that he wants to talk to me and work things up. But we can't do that because we're always in the same loop. That's why I don't want that.

  • Have you made a contract? Did you sublet the room or just took it in?

    No, we don't have a contract.

    However, he has the same right to the common rooms and if a second person lives in the apartment you can hear him too.

    Yes, that is right. However, I would like him to at least roughly log in / out from now on.Somehow he was not there for 4 days and then crashed through the cellar at 2 o'clock in the morning because he forgot the front door key and there is a key in the shed for the cellar. I was just terrified when I suddenly had a row in the basement in the middle of the night after days of absence.

    You don't seem fit to live together and I wonder why you let him move in. It is not fair to look for a roommate who is then not allowed to be present. I understand he's mad.

    Well, he was homeless in the middle of Corona and urgently needs a place to stay. I said that I am not sure I can handle this. He said we try it and I should communicate openly if it is too much for me.

    I think there is a difference between "being present" and having discussions.

    It makes a difference whether someone comes home and is present and briefly makes small talk and then goes to the sofa or to the PC or something or whether the communication wants.

    When I sit in the living room and surf the Internet, he can sit on the armchair or at the dining table. We have a lot of space. But when he sits down next to me, he wants to know what I'm watching, what it's about, whether we want to watch a documentary, whether we want to play cards and that, by the way, he had a blatant day and this and that and everything happened and that we did I could go to the sport now and if I open some wine and if we still want to go to friends and who is actually cooking today ... I can't take it.

  • I also understand both sides here.

    I can sit on the sofa with my partner and everyone does what they want and need: read a book, do research on the Internet, learn, write, etc. We then only exchange a few sentences with each other. Once a day we discuss the living conditions and the common solutions, otherwise everyone lives for himself, but still together. If something is very important, then of course we also talk. And of course we also have joint activities. But we don't ask for anything. Each of us is too independent for that.

    You are too different on this it seems to me. You keep going back and he keeps coming closer to you. So the limit has not been clearly recognized. I now know that, unfortunately, most people often cannot understand how the other is doing if they have not experienced certain life circumstances themselves and therefore know why the person is who he is. Or you can empathize with the other psychologically and through observation of life. Thinking in doesn't seem to work for either of you and that's why boundaries are automatically exceeded. I know people like your friend. They have to constantly exchange ideas, be in the action, because they live with the feelings and lives of others. And not just to exchange ideas normally, but to confirm yourself. This is not meant badly and everyone does it for a while in life, especially in their youth. For a long time now I myself have found a middle ground and I need a lot of time for myself. But if I wanted to bring this closer to a certain person in my circle of acquaintances, then there would be a big black hole of incomprehension. She demands my life without a point or a coma and says that I should be fine with it. Do not do it. And I could never live with the person because they will always cross borders. It crosses borders because its needs simply go in a different direction. This person completely lacks the need to deal with life himself, to observe, to learn, to discover new things on his own, etc. She thinks talking a lot will make her problems better. That may be the case for the moment and I also like to listen, but the problems are always the same and she has never tried to find a solution here. This person also raves about their youth and the company they have always had. The fact that societies can also change, that role models do not provide what they seem superficial anyway, that doesn't matter to her.

    Basically, she would have to solve all of her unsatisfied needs herself. But in the meantime it has reached an age where you can just let life go by and where you can blame others for your own well-being.

    Maybe it's the same with you, but maybe I'm wrong.

    I hope that you can still find a solution, otherwise I would work with room dividers in the living room and also define times when you talk and times when nobody should contact the other. Absolute emergencies should also be clearly defined.

  • I already have that. But right now it's hardly possible to just disappear. Where should he go?

    That is the wrong question: The right one would be: Where can I (Smurfette) go? Everything that should go quickly and independently can only come from you and affect your behavior. So: do you live somewhere else for the time being when the contact is too much for you. You don't have to ask anyone for that, you don't need any pleading or begging and only a minimum of communication: "Holger / Karl / Uwe, I'll be living somewhere else in the near future. I need this rest for myself. I want you in the next 8 weeks to move out again until December 31, 2020. Please clarify everything organizational with person x, who is my confidante. For our direct discussions (e.g. by telephone) I have come up with a step-by-step plan that will gradually lead to more distance. "

    At the moment it is from 2.11. accommodation is prohibited, but only for tourist purposes. If you, Smurfette, rent a room, e.g. in a guesthouse, in the same city, then this is not due to tourism, but e.g. for business reasons (e.g. reason: Home office because it is not possible at home) and you have your peace and quiet and can get on with it focus.

    Otherwise: the rest goes through the contractual line: your sublease contract (hopefully you have it in writing, otherwise verbally) and its time limit or termination. The contractual side makes this clear, e.g. with 8 weeks notice.

    "I don't want to clarify anything more" - that also works: then appoint a third person to clarify it for you (sister, brother, mother, father, boyfriend, girlfriend, mediator, anyone, not just a lawyer). But of course he needs a contact person for the administrative stuff. You tell this person you trust once your goals, and then give this person a free hand to implement them.

    I think it's good that you also take responsibility for your actions. The occupational stress

    But he wants a good, friendly relationship and for that he wants to talk to me and work things up. But we can't do that because we're always in the same loop. That's why I don't want that.

    I think it is easy to find a compromise: simply appointments with decreasing frequency to live apart:

    in 1 week, then after another 2 weeks, then after another 4 weeks (i.e. then 1 week before moving out), then after another 8 weeks, then after another 16 weeks, then after another 32, then after another 64 weeks.

    There are "only" 7 appointments for you and that in the next almost 2 years. You should still have so little left (decency dictates it) and be able to take it from yourself.

    "I don't want to clarify anything more" - that's not realistic. "I just want to clarify as little as possible myself, delegate some clarifications, and I want that to be as plannable as possible" - this makes it more realistic. You can't just close completely and break off contact - that's also anti-social and inhuman.

  • Uh, why should she get out of her apartment?

  • I can understand you very well. I also need a lot of time for myself and would find it bad if I had to talk to someone all the time.

    Since he would like to have another debate and, as you say, you have to get along for a few more weeks, how about you make an appointment for it? E.g. on Sunday at 4 p.m., or something like that. Then you can adjust to it, it is also on the weekend and you are free and you are not so stressed from work.

    I think the suggestion that she should move out herself is absurd! It's her apartment. In addition, she can just as easily sit down in her room, he won't come in there, that would be like being in a small boarding house.

  • Dear Te, if I were in your position, he would have to move out. It just doesn't work out with you, there is no contract, end. These constant discussions would drive me crazy. My home is my most holy place, no one restricts me there. By the way, I find the guy pretty tight, also a little overpowering. Give him a deadline by the end of November, after which he has to go, if necessary by the police.

  • little_smurfette,

    I already feel completely different when reading your article .

    I would give your roommate a deadline within which he should look for a new place to stay. It is possible to find an apartment even in times of Corona. You have to convey that very clearly and also threaten that you will otherwise change the lock if it is not ready to move out. Would be my strategy, but of course I don't know whether it will work for you. I think it's bad when some people get on you without distance and you have no way of avoiding this behavior.

    And the advice that You leaves the apartment, I would quickly ignore it. What kind of suggestion is that anyway?

    Good luck to you that you are getting out of this well. It's actually up to the roommate; he has "screwed up" the thing through his behavior and does not notice it.