How do you accept your husband's mistakes

Accept the partner

TIP 1: Write down the demands you have on the partner. Start by summarizing what you are asking of your partner. Claims usually have the structure: My partner should do ... If not, then I don't like him, then he must feel it. My partner should behave ... If not, it means he doesn't love me.

It is best to write down your claims in a list. When you can't think of much in the first place, watch your emotions. Anger, disappointment, fear, and sadness can all be clues that your partner did not meet your expectations.

TIP 2: Sort your demands by importance. Most likely, demands have landed on your list that do not necessarily reflect your core values. I think about, for example, that he throws his dirty socks in the laundry basket or that she doesn't gossip with her friend on the phone for so long. So take each requirement on your list and ask yourself the following questions:

  • How important is it to me that my partner fulfills this requirement?
  • What significance would it have for my most important goals in life if my partner does not behave according to my ideas?
  • What would happen if I gave up on this demand and accepted my partner's behavior?

Decide to only work in the future to ensure that your most important requirements and basic needs are met.

TIP 3: Convert demands into wishes. Even if it only looks like a mere formality at first, it makes a big difference whether you ask your partner for something or just want something. Give it a try. Take your demands and rephrase them into wishes. So for example: I want my partner to throw trash in the trash can right away instead of just leaving it somewhere. Did you notice any difference? Well, usually a demand leads to anger and a wish leads to disappointment only when the partner fails to do it.

Take your partner as he is and not as you would like him to be.

TIP 4: Make a distinction between accepting and approving. You may be shy about accepting your partner's behavior because you think that you agree with them and approve of their behavior. In reality, however, accepting only means that you accept his behavior as it is.

Take the requirements from the list in point 2 that you have classified as less or unimportant for your goals. Transfer this to a new list and write after each request: I choose to accept this behavior ... from my partner. I don't like it, but I don't want to waste any more energy on it. It's not worth it to me. Then keep reminding yourself of this decision whenever your partner shows this behavior.

TIP 5: Think about your goals. What goals have you chosen for yourself in your partnership:

Do you want to feel loved?
Do you want to feel comfortable in the partnership?
What goals do you and your partner want to achieve?

Then ask yourself whether or how much it has helped you and your partnership so far to make certain demands of your partner and you get angry when he does not meet them. Is the fight you wage every day worth it? If you give up your fight at least with certain demands and convert the demands into wishes, then you are already one step further on the way to accepting your partner.

TIP 6: Disconnect between your partner's behavior and their feelings. It is particularly fatal when we see a demand on our partner as an indicator of whether he loves us. This puts us under a lot of pressure. Since we want to feel loved, we fight doggedly to see him meet our demands. This is why it is important that you decouple your partner's behavior from their feelings. If your partner is behaving in a certain way that you don't like, it doesn't have to call into question their love for you. There can be many causes behind it. He behaves this way because he is used to it, has not learned otherwise, does not consider it so important, is thoughtless, regards it as a test of your love for him, feels pressured by you, rebels against bourgeois norms, still always rebels against his parents' rules, and ...

Think about how you would feel if you thought the next time your partner behaved in a certain way: He loves me, but wants to keep his character. I give him permission to do so.

TIP 7: Think about what you can gain by accepting your partner more. We usually find it easier to learn new behavior when we see a reward at the end of the tunnel. Therefore, ask yourself how your feelings towards your partner and your partnership would change if you could unconditionally accept your partner:

  • How would you feel if your partner shows behavior that you previously fought against?
  • How do you feel about your partner?
  • How would you behave towards your partner?
  • How would your partner feel and behave as a result?
  • What would fundamentally change in your partnership?

Picture these changes as vividly as possible. If you have objections to this idea that you could not let everything go through with your partner, then go back to points 2 and 5 again.

Further information on the subject of acceptance

Rejection - how to deal with it?

Respect in the partnership